Friday, April 28, 2006
[i'd quit if i could]
another emo entry. yes. again. i'm so sorry.
they say if you fall. pick yourself up.
they say if you fail, try again and again and again.
they say if you put your heart and soul into it, you'll succeed.
maybe they kinda missed out on the word 'eventually' or the phrase 'may never'.
i'm so stressed up. i'm also damn sick and tired of myself i don't know what to do. i think i'm driving myself crazy. crazy wit my own thoughts. and opinions. and crap stuff that don't even matter.
if you were a drug. i'd quit you now. but you're not. and i just can't do it. when will the rollercoaster ever end? never you say? it's ok. i know. i signed myself up for the ultimate ride. the ride that would either give me the highest of highs. or just make me puke at the end. i'm shaking all over. and it's not even cold. this overwhelming of my body happens whenever i hear it. that tone. those words. the silent scream of despair. and regret. take me away. far away. away from all the noise. the evil. may the heavens crash upon me and leave me to dwell in a cave of emotions. away from mankind. solitude.
if i could. i'd quit you. in an instance. to save us from the misery. to save YOU from this misery. i'm used to it. put me in rehab. but there is no such place. not this time round. it's different. so different.
take me back to the time when i could. forget. erase. that'd be nice. coz everything was minute. simple. almost non-existant anymore. the past is like a balloon. drifting further away from me. up into the sky.
but wait. as the balloon drifts higher and higher. it pops. and everything drops back down again. it drops to where you were. it mocks you as it lays by your feet. taunting you. the past always comes back to haunt you. to hurt you. it always does, doesn't it?
i guess i'll leave this place. soon. i can't bear to. but if it helps you. i will. and maybe in turn, it'll help me too? i don't know.
i just want the best. for you. always have and always will.
can one really think oneself to death? i guess it's possible. like i said before. knowledge can really make you. or break you.
i wish i were a pea brain. there's this cartoon. about a chicken and a bear? i don't know if it's a bear. but anyways. the bear's brain is the size of a pea. wit cobwebs and stuff all around in the cranium. then there's the sound of crickets as he thought. hmm. so dumb. but yeah. innocence. and ignorance. bliss.
didn't really wanna put all this down. but i have no one to talk to right now. i'm so damn frustrated. and i really feel like bursting from the insides. one problem after another. i wanna fix them. i wanna make them right. i wanna solve them. i really do. i swear.
but i don't know how. no one's here to teach me. i guess nothing can really teach me anyway. all around i just hear the things that i should do. do this. do that. like i'm some slave to be ordered around. i don't wanna hear orders right now. coz i will never follow. so don't expect me to do anything YOUR way. i just want suggestions. and then i'll figure it out on my own. make my own decisions. eventually.
i guess patience is everything. i am patient now. and forever will be. everyone tells me theres a limit. i know. i understand. but it all depends on where's the limit. and where it ends.
i'm irritating and bitchy. and i will make you pull out your hair. but i am patient. and my limit is never ending. does that count?
if you truly believe in something. go for it. a 100%. maybe a hundred and ten. and if you fail. at least you know that you did the best you could.
i used to believe in that. maybe i still do. but crap. so what if you know you did your best? it still doesn't cover up the fact that you failed. right? so screw that stupid whatever you call it.
i'll quit. just tell me how.
lydia
was in deep thought at 2:50 AM
