having my vodka redbull right now. it's been so long my dear friend.

you know what it's like to feel like you're worth nothing? not even a single cent?

ever felt like your whole world came crashing down on you just in a blink of an eye?

ever worked so hard for something yet fail in every aspect of it?

have you ever felt so helpless that you find yourself so retardedly pathetic you feel like puking?

ever felt like no matter what you do. regardless of how much you try. you still lose?

ever felt like the whole world is against you?

ever felt like you were willing yourself to be something you're not?

ever tried to cut off all human emotions and try to be the untouchable ice queen?

and yet failing again?

have you ever wanted to turn back the hands of time?

ever wish you could have handled/done something differently?

ever wanted to be so god-damned drunk you wouldn't feel/think/remember a thing?

have you ever wanted to wipe your hands off everything you have and/or are doing and just up and leave?

have you ever let yourself down?

and then beat yourself up everyday for doing it?

ever felt like you just wanted to give up?

ever wanted life to just be this simple place but end up getting disappointed because you realise it's not?

ever tried to do something but realise you can't because you know you'd just be lying to yourself?

ever wanted to just run away to a far away place. far away from everyone?

have you ever made a decision to do something. and then realise you can't?

i have.

the world is an ironic place. nothing's ever black or white. different people view life in different ways. maybe that's what makes it special. but yet. right now. i just wanna run away. run away from it all. it's getting too much for me.

i've had my share of ups and downs. but now. i just feel it's going down hill. all the way down. and it'll be a long time before i see the horizon again.

someone just pluck me from my self pity and throw me in the garbage.

i guess life is what you want it to be. rich people are happy because they just bought the lastest state of the art theatre for their home. beggars are happy because some dude decided to drop their piece of bread on the floor.

hmm. maybe i'm exaggerating. but maybe life is all about exaggeration.

like they say. the rich are getting richer. and the poor are getting poorer. what about middle class people you say? bullshit. there is no middle is there? two extremes at the opposite ends of the world. fantastic.

hmm. i don't really know what the hell i'm talking about right now. but hell. i don't care.

society has torn the people apart. torn their insides. torn everything. everywhere. why must there be this social standard/norm? why must people judge you by the way you turn out? and not the things that you actually do? i thought life's about the journey and not the destination?

some people just don't get that do they?

or maybe the destination's really more important? it's where you end up right? and it's not the past that matters?

i don't know.

i'm contradicting myself.

you see a pair of shoes in the window that you absolutely love. so you walk into the store and try it on. you take a walk around the place. and you realise you're oh so gonna have blisters everywhere. then you think to yourself. "it's so cute! i've gotta have it." but then again. "god knows the amount of pain it's gonna inflict on me!" what would you do?

i'd probably buy it without hesitation. but honestly. it's kinda stupid don't you think?

how about bread? would you eat bread that's expired even though you don't see no mould on it?

*sighs*

do you believe in karma? i do. and they're right. it's a bitch.

just like all the bitches in the world. me included? maybe. i don't know. you think?

and you know what. i talk about satisfaction and all? sure you can satisfy yourself if you wanted to. but can you ever truly satisfy another human being? (for you sickos out there. please don't think of unnecessary bullshit aite?) sure they say they appreciate you. but how often do they ever really mean it?

i know. coz many a times i too said thank you without the appreciation.

everyone's a hypocrite. and please. don't deny.

good guys never win you know. people get higher up the ladder by unscrupulous means. people lie. cheat. steal. (hmm. sounds painfully familiar. -_- ) hmm. but we can't have a heart for that. can we now?

are we sane? maybe the only truly sane people in this world are either dead. IN-sane. or just plain stupid. ignorance is bliss afterall. ain't it?

the smarter we get. the more harm it brings to us. knowledge truly is a powerful thing. it can either make us. or break us. but usually. it breaks us don't it?

maybe i'm a cynic. about everything. just shoot me.

i really really hate how life has neither black nor white. it's just grey everywhere. and the people in it just go along wit it. even cows are like that. how often do you see a black OR white cow? all you see are black AND white together.

i'm trying to be funny. but it hasn't made me laugh one bit. and you know i like to laugh at my own jokes.

maybe i'm not being very rational right now. maybe i'm so deluded in my current thoughts i can't think straight. maybe all this while i've been living under a rock and i have yet to see the world. right.

sure i haven't seen the entire world. but i sure have seen more than most of those i know. as deluded and retarded as it may sound. don't try to wrong me coz you know i'm right.

this really must be the lowest of lows uh? i knew it was coming. and i was right. as usual.

maybe being a bimbotic lil' bitch is kinda good. in a way. where you dump your brain to be stupid and then be so clueless you won't know what hit you. and you get so caught up wit your "O.C." life you fail to see what's really going on.

i hate things to be unexpected. i hate to 'not know'. i hate to not to be in control - in at least some areas. life's been throwing banana skins at me and making me fall ever so often. i feel sick. i really do.

i'm just so tired. tired of trying so hard and have people throw it back in my face. hmm. maybe i'm not trying hard enough? i don't know.

i haven't lost all hope you know.

it's still there. it's just that i'm so so so tired. i just need to let it all out.

emotions take me over. like a tidal wave. overwhelming my senses. i can't breathe. i can't think. it robs me of every strength and will that i have. it kills the rationale behind everything. it makes me insane. wait. no. not insane. it just takes me on this super duper crazy rollercoaster ride. and there i am. praying for it to stop. but it never does. it goes on and on and on. when will it ever stop?