coz after you die. you know that the road ahead can only mean good things. only then. can one stop worrying. and thinking. and contemplating. coz everything can only be good.

life on this earth is but temporary. we will all move on to greater things in the end. at least that's my belief. don't know about yours.

i guess maybe life now is just for us to experiment with? to make mistakes. and stuff like that? that's why they say nobody's perfect. coz now is just the experimental stage. we have the right to make mistakes. right? i don't know.

maybe i'm wrong. maybe god really just gave us this one chance. just one lifetime. to do things the best we can. and if so. i've failed i guess. in so many ways. *sigh*

i sound like such a loser. and on some days. i really think i am.

all day long i wallow in my self pity. so what makes me better than all the other losers out there? i'm just the same. *sigh* i don't even know what the hell i'm saying now.

no one can ever see their own backsides can they?

all i do is expect change from people. and i don't change myself. what kind of logic is that? sometimes i just wanna give my head a good thump.

i'm blabbering and blabbering and blabbering. my sentences probably aren't even structured properly. i'm irritating myself. but i don't wanna do anything about it. i feel like a dummy powered wit faulty batteries.

selfishness.

everyone always thinks that they did the best they could. and the other person could have done better. why do human beings think that way? are we wired to do such horrible stuff? is it just human nature? the fact that nothing will ever be enough?

sacrifice

and when you finally get over the selfishness. when do you stop wit the sacrificing? why can't everyone just give and take. i've never understood why there's such a thing as 'money'. i'm really living in a fairy tale aren't i? where everyone is nice and there's always a happy ending. as a little girl. i always wondered why we had to pay for stuff. as in. why can't people just share or something. i know. it's so naive.

if you have oil. gimme and i'll give you.....fruits? i don't know. you know? that kinda thing? i just don't get it. i really really don't. maybe i'm just stupid.

i'm impractical. irrational. immature.

i guess i always have been. and always will be.

i'm a selfish person. i want what i want. and at times. well. most of the time. i ALWAYS get what i want. so maybe nowadays. i feel crappy coz i can't get what i want. maybe. probably.

you know life for me now is like russian roulette. *spin spin spin* *click* nothing. and the worrying goes on. and then suddenly. *bang* without warning.

i'm happy for people who are happy. i really am. (well provided that i know you. even if i don't. at least let me like you. then i can be happy for you. wth am i blabbling.) anyways. ya. i truly am happy. i'm jealous. but all the same. i'm happy for you.

please don't get me wrong. i'm not saying i'm the best human being around. i'm not. i know i'm not.

no one's perfect. remember? and if you think you're CLOSE to perfect (like some people i know). PLEASE! think again. re-evaluate yourself again. and then speak.

my content seriously needs to be organized. but really can't be bothered now.

irrational thoughts fill my mind. leaving me distressed and distorted. i know not what to do. i'm still optimistic. believe me. i am. but the days have taken its toll on me. i'm tired and scared. like a young kitten out in the pouring rain. yearning for someone to save her. to rescue her from such dire straits. like her. i see nothing but water. pelting down against my weary eyes. i stand there. in the rain. waiting. ever so patiently. for it to stop. to stop beating down on my tired soul. i just want to feel the warmth of the sunshine. the one that always comes after the rain. it does come. doesn't it?

this is bloody singapore. it rains and shines. rains and shines. *sigh* fickle weather ain't it?

i seriously don't know what the hell i'm talking about.

i screw everything up. forever and always. sometimes i think i'm a disease. i destroy everyone i come into contact wit.

you know there are a gazilion people on this planet. and only a few will ever get to touch your heart. isn't it amazing? wouldn't you think that the odds would be higher? you know. since there are way way way many people. i don't know. am i making sense?

anyways. when we finally get to meet these special people. we realise we don't have sufficient time. for anything. whether it is to build a relationship. or whatever. then you realise you don't have the right resources or what not. and then a whole lotta shit comes up. things you have to solve. on your own. it's just too much for me sometimes. and i don't know how to handle it. i try. but i keep on failing. WHY?!!

i hate failing. i NEVER fail things that i put my mind to. never! so why am i starting now? i really can't take it. I HATE TO FAIL.

'hmm. you're too full of yourself.' you may think. but HELL! i'm not into the chase ok? i'm not like that. i only put my whole heart and soul into things or people that i really care about. really passionate about. and when i do that and fail. DAMN. i feel like crap.

sad to say. i'm kinda mediocre at certain stuff. but when i'm good. i'm GREAT. that's why i feel so depressed.

omg. this is getting too emotional. wtf!!!